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Click HERE to access EVEN MORE information about WHAT TO DO IF YOU'RE CHILD IS BEING BULLIED.
What Parents Need to Know About
Bullying
DO'S AND DON'TS
DO say "Tell
me about it" and then be quiet and listen. After your child has been allowed to talk about his own hurt and pain,
then you can gather facts about who, what, when, and where. Send these mesages: "I hear you, "I'm here
for you," "I believe in you," "You are not alone in this."
DO
reassure you child, "It's not your fault." This is no time for "If you would have...,"
"If you didn't...," or "If you weren't so...." The blame belongs on the bully (even if your
child might have annoyed the bully). No one deserves to be bullied. The bully has already demeaned your child.
Your child needs suppport.
DO report the bullying to school personnel.
Older kids will not want you to be the one to approach the school as they fear your involvement will only make matters worse.
However, your childn's teachers need to know about the bullying--the facts, date, time, place, kids involved, specifics--as
well as the impact the bullying has had on your child. DON'T get the bully and your child in a room for "conflict
resolution" as this will only further traumatize your child. The rule of thumb is that if you wouldn't
use it for domestic violence or sexual harrassment, don't use it for bullying.
Bullying is PEER ABUSE, and needs
to be addressed as abuse.
DO help your child explore his options,
analyze choices, and eliminate those that would make the situation worse, put her in more danger, or provoke violence.
"How will that be helpful?" "What else can you do?" Let your child know that he/she doesn't
have to be alone and that together you can come up with an effective plan.
DON'T
minimize, rationalize, or explain away the bullies behavior. If you do, your child gets the message that he is alone
in this and that it's better to suffer in silence. Bullies intend harm and bullying hurts a lot!
DON'T rush to solve the problem for your child. Unless your child is in serious
physical danger, you need to seek to empower your child, not take over and rescue him. Rescuing behavior communicates
to your child that he/she is "helpless." It says to his peers and the bully that he really is a "wimp"
or even worse, a "mamma's boy."
DON'T tell your child to
avoid the bully. You are inadvertently telling him to keep running and hiding, remaining in fear of the bully.
Bullies can "smell fear." It is okay to avoid the bully to avoid an immediate and present danger, but it is
not a long-term solution. Ex. One child didn't want to ride the bus anymore so his mother drove him to school
every day. The problem is that the bully is still on the bus -- bullying other kids. The bullying needs to be
brought to light. The bully is the one who should lose his bus privileges.
DON'T tell your child to fight back. Teach him to use his head and his feet -- in that order.
For example, "This is a dumb place to be; I'm out of here." Kids who respond assertively to the bully
are more likely to successfully counteract the bullying than kids who try to fight back.
DON'T
confront the bully or the bully's parents alone. The bully learned to bully somewhere and it might just be from
his parents. Too often they are quick to blame your child -- "the target." If possible, enlist the help
of the school counselor. It's not about your kid vs. my kid. It's about a behavior (bullying) that is
not acceptable.
CONVERSATION STARTERS: QUESTIONS YOU CAN ASK YOUR CHILD
"Are
there any bullies in your class?"
"What kind of things do kids do or say?"
"Are there any kids
these bullies tend to pick on?"
"Do they ever bully you?"
APPROACHING YOUR CHILD'S SCHOOL FOR
HELP
Children need to know that they can and should tell and
adults about the bullying, even if they were able to stop the bullying themselves. If
not confronted, the bully will find another child to harrass. Explain the difference between "tattling" and
"telling." Tattling is trying to get another child INTO trouble. Telling/Reporting is trying
to help yourself or another child get OUT of trouble.
If your child complains about being teased or bullied,
start compiling a list of incidents that your child describes. The visual record will give you a clearer understanding
of the extent of the problem. This will also help you remain objective and focused on the facts rather than speaking
from pure emotion.
Approach school personnel with the idea that you would like to work together to
solve the problem. Follow the chain of command (i.e. If teasing/bullying happens in the classroom, start with the teacher.)
Parents should expect that their children will be safe, physically and emotionally, at school at all times. Hopefully,
you will receive attentive listening, a statement of a plan of action, and an agreement of a follow-up meeting.
Sources: The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso
and Easing the Teasing: Helping Your Child Cope with Name-Calling, Ridicule, and Verbal Bullying
by Judy Freedman.
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